This series is effectively our unsolicited audition to ghostwrite the memoirs of prominent football personalities by demonstrating how well we can get inside their heads and write with their authentic voices.
We present a first draft (with author and editor notes) of…
Luis Suárez: Put Your Hands In the Air
When I joined the Premier League in 2011, I was still euphoric of our supremacy at the 2010 World Cup, (Ed: But Uruguay finished 4th, not 1st in the World Cup. LS: That is not the supremacy to which I was referring) and my own contribution to the campaign, not just in terms of my team’s performance, but the wider campaign. (Ed: Do you want to be more specific about what other campaign this is? LS: I would, but my professional sponsors prefer not)
I knew that playing in the Premier League would be a test of both my strength and my character. I told myself, Luis, if you ever face the choice between what is right, and what is in the interests of your people (Ed: Would “your team” be better? LS: How about my “nation”?) then remember that there is no alternative but to take matters into your own hands. So whenever I felt doubtful in my first season I would just think back to that moment when I raised the “Hand of God” against those Black *****. (Ed: Luis we absolutely CANNOT publish that and I have to say I’m personally appalled. LS: What do you mean, aren’t Ghana nicknamed the “Black Stars”?)
I was faced with this choice when I was persecuted by Patrice Evra, after having spoken to him in a friendly manner and pinched his skin to make him feel better. (Ed: Consistency with the FA’s record of the persecution? LS: whose autobiography is this? mine or theirs?) So we were lining up to shake hands. I was with my team mates Blondie, Grandote and, er…, Glen Johnson.
“I would refer to Glen Johnson as ‘negro’ in the same way that I might refer to Dirk Kuyt as ‘Blondie’ – because he has blond hair, or Andy Carroll as ‘Grandote’ – ‘Big Man’ – because he is very tall.” – Luis Suárez (Independent Regulatory Commission report)
The whole world saw what happened next.
But everyone agreed that I came out of it with my integrity and dignity intact. I know many will have bought my memoirs purely to read what I have to say about this incident. But I believe the right thing to do is to take a “hands off” approach and let the records speak for themselves. (Ed: People aren’t going to be happy unless you apologise. LS: I refer you to the statement published by Liverpool FC via their website. Ed: But that statement includes an apology to Kenny Dalglish and Liverpool FC but nothing to Manchester United and certainly nothing to Patrice Evra. LS: Whatever – you’re the one who’s read it.)